A sorry slob swiftly scrubbed the floor. Meanwhile, the woman he loved kicked back in an easy chair, reading Das Kapital, familiarizing herself with the plight of the noble proletariat.
Twenty minutes later, he asked, “Done to your satisfaction?”
Muffy sighed and got out of her chair. The springs creaked back, relieved of their 400 pound burden. “It better be spotless.” She walked up and sneered, looking over the floor.
“This is the third go-over, so it should be really clean now.”
She replied, “Well, that’ll do for now, but the next time, it’d better sparkle.”
Derp said, “Tell you what. Maybe we can split the chores? That’s pretty egalitarian, right?”
“What? As if you’re my boyfriend or something?” She made a disgusted face, as if he were a five foot tall garden slug. That was pretty close to the truth, though she had little basis for looking down on him.
Crestfallen, he answered, “Oh, why absolutely not!”
“You know, you need to find a real job. I’ve told you time and again, there’s no money in answering online surveys.”
“What? And sell out?”
“Somebody’s got to get more cash, and it’s not going to be me, since I’m working so hard to bring about the Revolution. I had to settle for store brand ice cream and soda on the last shopping trip.” She made a disappointed face.
“Yeah, the government is oppressing us so badly. It’s so hard to make ends meet. Our benefits only go so far. They’re so stingy with the food stamps these days especially! It’s all Orange Man’s fault!”
“You’d be on the street if I didn’t pull some strings for us to get this subsidized apartment. I’m telling you, you should check back into the mental ward. Maybe they’ll up your crazy checks when you get out.”
“I’ve gone over and over with the disability office about it, and they refuse to pay me any more, even though I’m a sperg with seven APA recognized paraphilias and chronic bedwetting. What I’m worried about right now is how I’m going to pay the thousand dollar fine for disorderly conduct. They’ll put me back in jail if I don’t pay. The food was awful, and I went into a horrible fit of video game withdrawal.”
She stuck her nose in the air. “Well, the judge was nice to me. She let me off with time served. You just didn’t play your cards right in court.”
“I guess our career as thoughtcrime fighting superzeroes is over, at least until we can get past this tough spot. I’m supposed to do 120 hours of community service too. Picking up litter is slavery!”
“Well, genius, why don’t you think of something? Then we can get back to being MP0werdW0myn and 0megaMan, the Dysfunctional Duo fighting for Social Justice. Or is thinking too advanced for your male capabilities?”
“Okay, tell you what – we can start a foundation. They have lots of money, don’t they? We can use it to spread Social Justice too. We can make it sound like something cool and wonderful, but push our own agendas with everybody else’s effort, and especially donations.”
“Cool! Glad I thought of that! Now get cracking in researching how you’re going to set up my foundation.”
One week later
Derp grinned goofily. “Check this out! The traffic for InDemFedLibFraEqPepT.org is really growing! I got a couple of hits on our website already!”
“I still say you picked a suck name for it.”
“But it’ll be a name that goes down in history! Seriously, the ‘International Democratic Federation for Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, and Peppermint Tea’ is the best concept I could come up with.”
She made a face. “It has the word ‘fraternity’ in it, and those places are rape factories!”
“Hey, it’s got to be better than jail. The first day I was there, I had to give four blowjobs to those lonely MS13 guys.”
“Think of it as repaying some of your unearned privilege points for being a cisgendered male heterosexual gringo.”
“I’m changing my orientation from ‘heterosexual’ to ‘questioning’. I was starting to like it by the end of the week, but my butt is aching, and so are my tonsils. And I’m really having a lot of trouble getting used to A2M. On the positive side, I’m getting good at deepthroat, and I’m not a virgin any more.”
“Now you’re oversharing.” She felt pretty sour about him getting more action than she did.
“Really, ‘fraternity’ means ‘brotherhood’. That’s all I meant by it too.”
“And ‘brotherhood’ is exclusionary to wimmin. That’s especially offensive to Yours Truly because not only I am a womyn, I came up with the idea for this foundation. And the ‘tea’ business is way too similar to the Tea Party. How awful! There in that basket of deplorables!”
“But that’s just it! We can sell it as a wonderful coalition across all ideologies. I mean, who doesn’t like liberty, fraternity – oh, I mean brotherhood, uh, I mean comradeship – and also equality and peppermint tea? We’ll attract supporters all across the political landscape. If the teabaggers give us their effort and donations too, why not? And they’ll just happen to serve us and our purposes. I’m still trying to figure out how to make us a 501(c)3 nonprofit. Until then, I’ll just tell everyone we are. I’ve put that on the website already, since it’ll attract more donations that way.”
“Fine, but don’t waste your time with the IRS, and that’s an order. They’re just a bunch of Fascists. Anyway, you better make my foundation work, or I’ll take away your Xbox and Playstation again!”
He gasped. “Oh no, I’m quite certain this is going to be huge! I sent seven hundred query emails, and I got a couple of responses already.”
“Oh, those are probably just spams. Have you taken your meds today?”
“There’s one from someone called Maximum Leader Rosso. He says he can make us a deal.”
“WHAT?!?” An expression of joy crossed her face, and Muffy looked like she was about to faint.
“Who’s he? You know him?” A pit of fear seized his guts. Could he be an ex-boyfriend of hers? As far as he knew, she never had any, but the possibility existed, and it scared the daylights out of him.
“Derp, you’re a much bigger idiot than I thought you were. He’s a billionaire who heads the Open Mankind Foundation Governance, one of the biggest and most important organizations, the foundation of foundations. Everyone who’s in the know knows about it. OMFG hands out the Benjamins like confetti to front groups like mine. I’m rich!”
“Um – awesome. Does this mean I get to keep part of my crazy checks now?”
“And as a side benefit, they run one of the foremost transmission belts for Social Justice Warriors like us. We’ll be tuned into the latest inside information!”
“It’s even better than Tumblr?”
She sighed. “Did I mention that you’re an idiot?”
The International Democratic Federation for Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, and Peppermint Tea set up its table once again on the corner of Main and Elm. Curious passersby walked up and checked out the literature.
“You need to engage with these people!” hissed Muffy.
“I’ve been trying.”
“Well, try harder! Maximum Leader Rosso expects some results!”
Derp replied, “Well, mostly he wants us as a conduit for funding. I had to wire most of our cash to my MS13 boyfriends so they can buy more AK47s.”
“You wired it? You idiot! That’s traceable!”
“But if I went to the bank to withdraw it, I could get mugged on the way to delivering it. Besides, I have proof that the money went where it was supposed to go. Rosso made it very clear that I’d get cement overshoes if it got misplaced.”
A couple of people walked up. She whispered, “You engage these people, get them to sign up and make a donation, and I’ll criticize how you do it.”
The first was a middle aged lady in a suit. “Hi, I’m Libby Liberal!”
“Good afternoon, Ma’am, glad to see you here.”
Muffy hissed, “That was a gendered word!”
“I mean, good afternoon, Citizen Person. How can I help you?”
Libby replied, “I’ve been a lifelong Democrat, but lately I’ve come to the conclusion that my party only works for the globalists and not the constituents. Whenever we’re in office, we never get closer to eliminating poverty and war.”
Derp smiled. “Well, you’ve come to the right place. We’re all about liberty, comradeship, equality, and we even love peppermint tea!”
“Super! I can’t wait to sign up and make a generous donation!”
“That’s wonderful!” He turned to the other one. “And how about you, sir? I mean Citizen Person?”
The other fellow, a guy in grease-stained overalls, spoke up. “I’m Joe Sixpack. I’ve voted Republican all my life, and it always astounds me that even when my party is in office, we never change anything. Then I found out that most of my politicians work for tricky globalist foundations, and so do the Democrats. Even the ones that don’t belong to these outfits themselves can’t do anything. There are so many dadgum globalists in Washington that no matter who you vote for, you get the same thing.”
“Well, we’re all about the liberty, comradeship, and equality, so we want to change things for the better just like you do.”
“Did you mention ‘comradeship’? I don’t suppose this is some kind of a front group, by any chance?”
Derp squinted. “You could also call it ‘fellowship’?”
“Like ‘fellow travelers’ you mean?”
“Tell you what. We’re totally about the peppermint tea too.”
“Hey, I like what the Tea Party was trying to do, so count me in!”
Libby Liberal and Joe Sixpack smiled at each other and shook hands, a touching show of bipartisan solidarity.
A tall guy, built like a linebacker, walked up. “Hey, I noticed your table here the last couple of days and I’ve been doing a little research.”
Derp said, “Oh, hi, Citizen Person. Want to sign up too?”
“I think that this might be a front group. Are you affiliated with the Open Mankind Foundation Governance by any chance?”
“Uh – what makes you say that?”
“For one thing, the stuff on your website looks like boilerplate they use for other front groups. There are some things you should know about its founder, Maximum Leader Rosso. Did you know that he made his billions crashing economies around the world? The common people suffered, all so he could get his percentage. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. OMFG specializes in getting idealistic people to support globalist agendas, and all the while they think they’re fighting The System.”
Libby Liberal had a pained look on her face. “You know what, I think I’ll save my cash for my cat food bill. I have twenty mouths to feed at home.”
Joe Sixpack said, “I’ll use my money to buy a case of Duff, and some football memorabilia!” He rubbed his hands together in glee at the thought of wearing another man’s uniform.
Muffy whispered to Derp, “This new one looks awfully familiar.”
He whispered back, “He sure does.”
The big guy replied, “You two look familiar as well.”
Muffy slunk away to the nearest unisex bathroom.
Derp fired back with one of his most potent thought terminating clichés: “Check your privilege!”
“So you thought you could fool the common people, get them to do your work, and take their money? Kid, that’s pathetic.” He pointed to the two walking away. “That lady is an office worker, and that guy is a mechanic. You could be doing those things, instead of being a parasite. Come on, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
He stood and raised a clenched fist, causing his pudgy arm to jiggle. “Power to The People!”
“On that note, you could be an electrician too. That’s something productive. Pull yourself together, dude!”
The door to the unisex bathroom opened. Out came MP0werdW0myn in full superzero costume. Her problem glasses glinted in the sun. The sidewalk shook as her thunder thighs treaded the ground. “So it’s Bright Spectrum, the superdeplorable! I knew it was you! I’ll make short work of you, you… you blond beast!”
“Oh, it’s you again? Lady, you need to apologize for the scene that you and your lapdog caused last time.”
“Ha! You assume gender!”
“Tell you what,” replied Bright Spectrum. “As long as you have your table set up, I’m going to stand right here and tell the truth to all these people about what you’re doing. And for your sake, I sure hope your IRS papers are in order.” It wouldn’t be the first time he’d gotten a bounty for snitching on tax cheats.
A policeman walked up and pointed to her. “Hey, you look awfully familiar. I picked you up for disorderly conduct a while back. Don’t you have anything better to do with yourself?”
MP0werdW0myn replied, “Uh, okay, I’ll be packing up and leaving right now.” She continued in a snippy tone, “Any perception of inconvenience is regrettable.”
“And that other troublemaker looks familiar too. Hey, where did he go?”
Bright Spectrum said, “He jumped down that manhole. I’m guessing he lives in the sewers.”
At ten in the morning, there was a sharp knock on the door.
Muffy quit snoring and opened an eye. She called out, “Answer it, bitch!” Unlike her, Derp couldn’t wake up; he was passed out from a Warcrack poopsocking session that had lasted until 6am.
The knocking resumed. She let out a long string of profanities, and pried her oversized butt off of the easy chair. Muffy waddled to the door. A couple guys were standing there. One was old and bald, and another was younger and had a grim expression on his face.
“Didn’t I tell you Mormons to go away and never come back? You’re part of The Patriarchy!”
The older guy said, “I’m Special Agent G. Gordon Lützow with the FBI. We’re here to investigate the International Democratic Federation for Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, and Peppermint Tea concerning illegal fundraising, tax evasion, money laundering, and assisting the MS13 international crime cartel.”
She pointed down the hall, where Derp was sleeping. “He’s in there! It was all his idea! He’s a menace to society!”