Men’s Health encourages men to explore bisexuality

Men’s Health has released what might be one of their most unintentionally funny articles ever, “So You’re Feeling a Little Bicurious. We’re Here to Help!”  It begins:

After years of wondering if I could ever be intimate with another man, I decided to hook up with a dude my freshman year of college.

Looks like he demonstrated that he was capable of doing so.  Proof of concept, right?  Well, there’s a lot more to the article than that, of course.

The problem was that he was so drunk that he threw up during the hookup.  What a way to kill the mood!  One would think that would’ve scared both of them straight, but apparently not!  The only good news is that he’s a guy; if he’d been a chick, the other dude would’ve had to worry about getting a false rape accusation.  If you drive drunk, you’re responsible for your actions; if you hook up drunk, it’s completely different as long as you’re female.

The article offers helpful tips for guys who want to do what he did – presumably without relying as much on Dutch courage.  One thing that’s oddly missing is a clear warning that you shouldn’t drink ’till you spew during a hot date.  This is the closest the article comes to that:

After the experience, I could not tell you if I was gay or bi. Overall, the experience was “meh,” like any really sloppy, drunken hookup regardless of gender.

Pro tip:  If you’re a dude and you’re turned on by both dudes and chicks, you’re bisexual.  If you’re only turned on by dudes, you’re gay.  If you know the difference between teal and aqua, you have an unusual fascination for gladiator movies, or can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch, then you’re probably fruity to one degree or another.  This stuff isn’t rocket science.

Anyway, here’s the highlights of rest of the advice.

1. Start with porn.

Actually, starting with porn is excellent advice if you no longer want to be a boring old straight guy.  If you’re jerkin’ the gherkin until it turns blue, you might be doing strange things to your arousal template.  There are numerous anecdotal accounts about straight porn addicts starting to look at gay stuff after the regular beat-off material loses its sparkle.  Heck there are far weirder things too – tentacle porn makes giving another guy a BJ seem pretty tame.  This is a small part of the tolerance phenomenon, which Nofap describes here:

In a pornography addiction, tolerance seems to build when a user needs to look at more porn, more novel porn, more intense porn, or a combination of these in order to satisfy themselves. This is where pornography addiction gets dangerous.

If an addict builds up a tolerance to porn, he may need it more abundantly. Just spending 10 minutes cruising porn sites may not be enough, and he will begin spending more and more time with porn until it begins cutting into his career or family life.

Or he may need porn that is progressively more novel, searching for videos with actresses and sexual acts he’s never before seen. Many porn addicts on NoFap report shock when they realize that a certain kink or fetish they once found stomach-turning is now the only thing that can get them off. The addictive quest for novelty in porn has lead some porn addicts to search for extreme, taboo and even illegal material.

So go ahead and choke that chicken for hours on end, day after day, and eventually you’ll be up for banging anything!  That is, if you can still get it up after all that overuse, but that’s another porn problem entirely.

2. Move to apps and chat rooms.

Men’s Health recommends:

It allows you the opportunity to engage with other men sexually without doing anything IRL. (Grindr and Scruff are two good apps to use.)

Men’s Health really knows what’s good for men, so what the hell – I signed up for Grindr.  Woo hoo!  It’s going to be BJ City here!  I can’t wait to pack some fudge too!  I’m sure my girlfriends will be a little surprised when I switch to “the love that dare not speak its name”, but that’s their problem to deal with!  My GRINDR app just sent me another invite for an Oscars party, how about that!  Damn, why didn’t I get results like this when I was trying to find chicks on OKCupid?

Anyway, the article doesn’t say too much about safe sex and – again – these guys really know what they’re talking about and what’s good for men.  Since they didn’t mention anything about that, I guess we don’t have to worry about condoms these days, right?

3. Have a bisexual MMF threesome.

If after watching some bi/gay porn and talking to some dudes on apps/chat rooms, you’re thinking to yourself, alright, I think I could potentially be into this, it might be time to consider having a threesome with a woman and another man.

Great idea!  I’ll head right over to the nearby biker bar and try the following pickup line:  “I’ll bet you’re bi too.  How about we tag-team your girlfriend?”  For those who’ve watched enough porn by now to think that’s an awesome idea, Men’s Health has a helpful article linked below called “I Can’t Stop Having Devil’s Threesomes”.

4. Work on reducing internalized shame.

Exploring bi-curiosity isn’t just getting out there and doing it with another guy. “It’s important for men to understand that we live in sex-phobic and homophobic culture that helps shape what we see as possible for ourselves and our desires,” says Jor-El.

Is Jor-El from the planet Krypton or something?  Being gay wasn’t such a huge big deal by the 1970s.  It was still somewhat controversial, but far less so by the 1990s.  As for now, being gay means you’re special and unique, so start watching more gay porn and sign up for gay hookup apps!

As for those who say that American culture is sex-negative, have they seen any movies lately, or turned on the radio or TV?  The only places you can’t “let it all hang out” are at work or at church.

5. Educate yourself.

Instead of discussing how we come to form our sexual identity, some sex-ed classes never get beyond condoms on cucumbers—or teach abstinence-only curriculum.

Problem? What problem?

6. Recognize you might not have a big “aha” moment.

I thought I was going to have this big “aha” moment. I’d kiss his lips and immediately realize, “Woah… I’m gay. I’ve never felt like this when I’ve been with women.” Or it would become crystal clear I definitely wasn’t into men. Neither happened. In fact, I came to the conclusion after the experience that I was straight, and it took me another five years of hooking up with men to embrace the fact that I am bisexual.

He banged dudes for five years before he figured out he was bi?  I’d say that if you go back for seconds, that’s a pretty good proof of concept that you’re at least a switch hitter.

7. Talk to a therapist.

“With a LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, you can talk through aspects of your sexuality that seem daunting or frightening to deal with on your own,” Joe-El says.

“Doc, I think I might be gay.”
“Are you turned on by men?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes, you’re queer.  That’ll be $90 please.”

8. You can try it, not like it, and you’re still straight.

You fear that rumors surrounding your sexuality will haunt you for the rest of your life, but here’s the truth about experimenting: If you come to the conclusion after hooking up with a guy that you’re straight, then you are just as straight as a dude who’s never experimented. One sexual act does not define your entire identity. Period.

You know what?  On second thought, I’ve decided that I’m going to ignore what Men’s Health is telling me to do.  Experimenting with homosexuality sounds like it inherently sucks and is a pain in the ass.  I think I’ll just delete my GRINDR account and go back to watching gladiator movies.