The menacing horde closed in for the kill. The lone defender, his armor gleaming under the sun, held his sword at the ready.
“Turn that damn thing off!”
Derp pouted. “But I have to win this!”
“Don’t you dare disobey.” A hand reached out to the power button and shut off the computer.
“Muffy! Couldn’t it wait? I was so close to leveling up! Besides, the forces of evil threaten the citadel.”
“You’ve been playing Warcrack all day. You’re not supposed to do that when there are dirty dishes in the sink. Besides, didn’t you hear this go off?” Muffy held out her iPhone.
Derp gasped. “It’s the Virtue Signal!” The pink app was glowing, indicating a crime in progress. “Sorry; my iPhone is charging in the bedroom.”
“Well, let’s get suited up. Here’s your chance to fight evil in the real world.”
Muffy donned her MP0werdW0myn costume. For the finishing touch, she put on her problem glasses. Derp struggled to zip up his OmegaMan jumpsuit. “This fabric keeps shrinking on me, damn it…”
Derp’s platonic partner considered remarking on his donut and pizza consumption, but reconsidered, since she didn’t have much room to criticize. “Well, you’re in charge of the laundry. Figure something out. By the way, your cape is looking pretty ragged. I know you’ve been wearing it since junior high, but isn’t it time you got a new one?”
“It started out as my security blanket, so there’s no replacing it,” he grumbled.
Soon they left the little apartment. She got onto his 1982 Honda MB5, and he took the bitch seat like always. The little motorcycle, overloaded by a pair of hefty bodies, struggled to accelerate. As they zigzagged through the streets, OmegaMan held onto her waist, dreamily wondering what it would be like to touch her breasts. Meanwhile, the iPhone’s app read out the directions to the scene of the crime.
Upon arrival, they dismounted. A woman was sobbing, obviously in terror. She pointed across the street. “He’s just around the corner now!”
OmegaMan gasped. “What happened?”
The witless turned off the app that summoned the superzeroes. Her face, multiply pierced and framed with Whitey-dreads dyed blue, wrinkled with rage. “Somebody… is doing daygame!”
MP0werdW0myn scowled. “Unauthorized initiation of conversation? Don’t worry; I’ll handle this.”
They got a brief description, then crossed the street and rounded the corner. The offender was dead ahead: a man, a bit tall and built like a linebacker. He was obviously chatting up a pretty lady in a green dress.
The superzeroes snarled. The crimson haired harridan took point. “Excuse me, mister!”
He turned to the costumed figures. “You’re looking for the comic expo? I heard it’s at the convention center. That’s a few blocks down the street over there.”
OmegaMan stepped up and exclaimed, “You’ve been reported for a Social Infraction. You talked to this innocent victim without authorization!”
“Butt out, why don’t you?”
“Who are these weird people?” asked the lady in the green dress. She wrinkled her nose in distaste at the odd specimens of humanity who had come to save her.
The dweeby superzero continued, “When the cause of Social Justice is threatened, we will not hesitate to step forward and intervene. For your information, it’s not allowed to go up to someone and start talking.”
The tall guy folded his arms. “You mean like what you two just did? Now if you’ll allow me, I’d like to go back to my private conversation.”
“Yeah, what he said. It’s not like he’s being rude, unlike you.”
MP0werdW0myn said to her, “I’m afraid that you suffer from what Karl Marx called ‘false consciousness’. So we’re speaking on your behalf, because you don’t know what’s good for you.”
“Yeah, unauthorized initiation of conversation is rape culture!” squealed OmegaMan. “We have to rescue you.”
She replied, “Look, this is getting pretty awkward. I’d better get back to work now. Why don’t you two pop a Cymbalta and stare at the carpet or something, okay?” She turned to the tall guy. “I get off at five. I’ll call you then.”
“I can’t believe you’re actually going to reward this Neanderthal for his uncouth behavior!” he screeched. Meanwhile, his platonic partner cursed like a sailor.
The tall guy scowled. “I really don’t appreciate you idiots trying to ruin my pickup. I gave her my number, but didn’t get a chance to get hers before you interrupted. Worse, you scared her off and gave our interaction a really bad vibe. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?”
“That sounds pretty stupid to me. But what does this have to do with trying to stop relationships from forming?”
“When you do that,” sneered OmegaMan, “You’re exercising your misogynistic, patrifocal, kyriarchal, phallocratic male privilege.”
“Oh, really? Tell you what. When your parents met, I bet that happened because your dad walked up and talked to your mom. They wouldn’t have hooked up otherwise. Unfortunately, he forgot to use a condom, but the point is that you owe your existence to your dad having the guts to chat her up.”
The dweeb sputtered, “All that was a barbaric relic of the 20th century. It’s the Current Year!”
“I see. Do you think people should be hatched from eggs too?”
“Actually, that’s pretty much the point of my doctorate dissertation in women’s studies,” interjected MP0werdW0myn. “And after cloning technology is perfected, that’ll be the last of you evil males.”
“But who’s going to open jars and parallel park cars and move boxes? Heck, how will anything in the world get done after that?”
She shrieked. “How dare you say a thing like that?”
“Remember civics class? Heard about something called the First Amendment? They made it the first because it was pretty darn important. It protects my right to speak just as much as it does yours. By the way, that also includes me chatting up pretty ladies.”
OmegaMan rubbed his grubby little palms together. “Comes the glorious Communist Revolution, we’ll do something about the First Amendment, and the second too.”
He gazed at the brainwashed chump with incredulity. “What’s your problem, dude?”
“Ha! You assume gender! Are you aware that’s a Social Infraction too? For your information, gender is a social construct. You are whatever you think you are at the moment, and for your information, I happen to identify as a genderfluid nonbinary.”
“I hate to burst your bubble, but your professors lied to you while they were robbing you blind. The sexes are based in biology. All that other crap like you spouted was obfuscation made up to confuse the issues.”
“How can you say that? You’re nonbinary yourself. Look at your hair!”
The tall guy glanced down at his dirty blond ringlets, below shoulder length. “Oh, that? It’s all natural, and I’m rather proud of it. I keep it long in memory of my Viking ancestors.”
The superzeroes shivered. Clearly this one was very deplorable indeed! Then MP0werdW0myn gasped. “Could it be…”
Her sidekick screeched. “You’re that supervillain, Bright Spectrum!”
She replied, “Be careful; these pickup artists have psychic powers.”
“You’re not allowed!” bellowed OmegaMan. “That’s more rape culture!”
“Part of getting good at game is working on intuition and social awareness. It’s not psychic powers, and it’s far from perfect. However, in the toxic social environment that feminists like you created, every bit helps. Allow me to demonstrate. I sense that you’re doing all this crap to try to impress this chick here. She’s no great prize, but I’ll give you some tips, even though you don’t deserve it for being a shmuck. It’s because I care; some guys really need a lot of help. First, stop acting like a wimp; that never works. Second, be your own man and stop trying to impress her. Third, pick up some weights and stop eating all that junk food. Also, showering daily is-”
OmegaMan slapped Bright Spectrum. “Noooo! Stop using your evil PUA psychic powers on me! And don’t try to encourage me to fix my life; I enjoy wallowing in misery!”
“Dude! I sure hope you used hand sanitizer some time this week.”
MP0werdW0myn kicked him in the shin. “Take that, penis crotch! And I think of him like the gay brother I never had!”
“That one hurt, but you still hit like a girl.”
She shrieked. “I’ll have you arrested for that remark! Look, there’s a cop coming now.”
Five minutes later, Derp turned to Muffy inside the police car. “Well, today sucked.”