Call me Ishmael, yarrrr. Actually, I’m Rainbow Albrecht, but I usually go by Beau. The name was actually kind of cool until Rainbow Brite hit the shelves when I was a teenager, and then that rainbow flag thing got popular and gave people the wrong idea about me. Afterwards, I was tempted to sue my parents for sticking me with that hippy name.
I was a love child from the 1960s, and technically a red diaper baby. My views diverged from those of my parents pretty early on, much to the horror of my liberal mom and radicalinski dad,. In fact, I most certainly enjoyed watching Red Dawn and Rambo II on the big screen. These days, I also write deplorable diatribes, mostly here and at Return of Kings.
I am a (nominal) member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I do love Salt Lake City, but I’m the worst Mormon since Joseph Smith himself. My favorite watering hole in SLC is Desert Edge (I miss Natasha!), though Beerhive, Garage On Back, and Purgatory are also highly recommended. If we ever meet at once of these places, let’s knock back some brewskis, how about it? Other than that, I’m into lots of rather obscure stuff: Thelema, Distributism, linguistics (ancient Gothic for the win!), Romanian history, Russian novels, and that’s just the beginning.
I spend much of my free time on creative writing, mainly science fiction and fantasy. My flagship Space Vixen Trek series deliberately shoots for the “so bad it’s good” effect. Lately I have brought some projects to fruition, with several in the pipeline. You may find the books at your favorite online ebook retailer:
The following are my current literary offerings, and I’ll be updating this page with new titles as they come out. So consider this a “living document”.
Righteous Seduction: Redemption for Nerds, Unappreciated Nice Guys, and Captives of the Friend Zone
I discuss how the sexual revolution has vastly changed the dating scene. Any guy who doesn’t know the real rules of the game will be woefully unprepared, like a knight in shining armor amidst a tank battle. The social environment as it is now is pretty grim, but correct knowledge will lead you to the front of the pack.
This isn’t your average “how to pick up chicks” book; it pulls no punches, but is among the enlightened offerings of seduction literature. It also uniquely includes helpful historical and philosophical items describing what it means to be a man in today’s world. This also has an in-depth analysis of the Friend Zone problem and what to do about it; if you keep getting cast as the “boyfriend without benefits”, this one’s for you.
“Men only want one thing” – you’ve heard that one before, right? I’m going to let you in on a little secret, something that is very good news for you. Women want it too! Perhaps you might doubt this, if you’ve been shot down quite a few times, listened to preachers denouncing the sins of the flesh, or ever been forced to read Andrea Dworkin (or others of that ilk). Well, I have news for you: women do get horny like we do, and they love sex! As Ovid put it, “Man is a poor dissembler; woman is much more skillful in concealing her desire.” Although so much has changed so rapidly, that one’s still true two thousand years later!
Fake review: “He’s trying to teach men how to be more successful with women. How dare he? What kind of a monster offers pointers on being cool and smooth and avoiding social mistakes? ” – Jezebel
- Main promotional page
- Sample chapter
- Real review
- Available at Smashwords
- Available at Amazon (ebook and paperback)
Space Vixen Trek
My flagship product is the Space Vixen Trek series. In addition to the titles online, I have several others in the works. This always includes a super-intelligent nerd and his jock buddy. You’ve met these two many times before. Sometimes the jock’s girlfriend(s), their classmates, or their comrades in arms are along for the ride too. Their adventures typically include fighting off icky aliens, saving the world, and other cool stuff like that.
I experiment with different genres, and in many cases I’m pretending to write from a certain time period, so the stories often have plenty of retro-futuristic nostalgia. It’s cheesy by design, since I take great pleasure in breaking stylistic rules and smashing the Fourth Wall to bits.
Space Vixen Trek Episode 17: Tomorrow The Stars
In 1978, a professor and two wacky Midwestern teenagers witness a remarkable finding through groundbreaking technology. A worldwide computer network delivers an image from their new space telescope, and they discover proof that aliens once visited our solar system.
Soon, they’re in more trouble than a gopher at a rattlesnake convention. Little did they know that these sneaky extraterrestrials are back again. They’re now using the Open Mankind Foundation Governance to prepare the world for their “New Galactic Arrangement”. Worse, they’re not the only meddlesome space critters out to subvert our unsuspecting planet.
The professor disappears, apparently the victim of a mysterious kidnapping. The FBI goes after the prime suspects, namely the nerdy junior scientist and Pleasantville High’s star linebacker. A task force of Russian commandoes tracks down the jock’s girlfriends. However, things are much more complicated than they appear. The teens find themselves embroiled in a web of conspiracies, beginning a deplorably politically incorrect adventure through the cosmos.
Who can be trusted? Which scheming aliens will spring the trap first, imposing their brand of despotism upon the world like the humans they’ve exploited before? Can the youths get back home before the history exam?
The redhead smirked and turned to the boys. “Speaking of food, we were about to serve breakfast. If you get to the mess hall quickly, you can enjoy your last meal before the reactor explodes. Bon appétit.”
Biff stripped off his shirt, revealing his chiseled torso, and gave her his best bedroom eyes. “I’d rather enjoy you, Fire-Crotch. Let us on board, and I’ll go down on that strawberry patch like a crop duster, ’till your toes curl right good. Then I’ll tune your engine like never before. After you been with me, you’ll see that every night’s good for making sweet love. I’ll ring your bell ’till you cain’t take it no more.”
The Battle Commander couldn’t help giving the jock’s muscular frame one more glance, from the upper trapezius and deltoids, down to his eight-pack rectus abdominus. Then she trembled with indecision. A conflicted expression crossed her face, a mixture of pique, lust, and guilt. She whimpered, “You fiend!” Then the redhead slammed the door shut and ran for the ship preparing to depart, lest she be tempted again.
The jock sighed, after narrowly failing to corrupt the morals of someone who in ancient times would’ve been called one of the Nephilim, Annunaki, or lilitu-demons. “Welp, close, but no seegar! Too bad it was all so rushed, and came down to a long-shot field goal attempt in the fourth down. Dang-nabbit, if only I’d had the time to talk her up right proper…”
Fake review: “Our literary editor was so triggered that xie had to pop two bars of Xanax to xtop twitching and calm xirself down. One question remains, xhough – how did xhe author figure out xhat we’re all a bunch of Space Lizards?” – The Village Voice
- Main promotional page
- Available at Amazon (ebook, free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers, and paperback)
Space Vixen Trek Episode 13: The Final Falafel
Two friends, a nerd and a jock, are talking on the phone until missionaries show up at their doors, Mormons on bikes and Christian fundamentalists passing out tracts. The result is that the nerd enthusiastically discovers his Jewish heritage and the jock becomes a Quran-thumping Muslim. The teenagers decide to take a trip to Jerusalem for their summer vacation, of course.
A dweeby classmate of theirs is going as well, a hard-boiled agnostic forced by his parents to participate in the “Putting The Fun In Fundamentalism” tour. He’s off his meds and soon declares himself to be the Second Coming. After a series of whacky misadventures, the two friends discover a secret plot that threatens the fate of the world. This story takes the Blazing Saddles approach to religion and pulls no punches; it’s not for the easily offended.
They began a long shouting match covering many enlightening subjects: the Palestinian Intifada, the Israeli occupation of Gaza and the West Bank, how OPEC’s price fixing harmed the American economy, how the Israeli lobby huggermuggered and scarum-shouted Congress into the Gulf War, the moral equivalence of the Munich Olympic Massacre by Palestinian terrorists and the Israeli sneak attack on the USS Liberty, the moral equivalence of gay for pay and being a celebrity gigolo, several particulars in the Bro Code (quite pointedly), epistemology, scriptural hermeneutics, the fine distinction between Talmudic hair-splitting and Talmudic nit-picking, and Islamic potty rules.
Fake review: “This provides a hilarious, picaresque tale of American teens touring occupied Palestine. It’s almost unfortunate that the author is getting a fatwa taken out on him over it.” – Al Jazeera
Medieval Vixen Quest Episode 0: The Search For Shlock
In this epic tale of thud and blunder, eight youths are wasting a beautiful summer afternoon pretending to be adventurers in a generic medieval-style fantasy world, frequently interrupted by arguing about the role-playing game’s prissy rules and driving each other up the wall. When one of them casts a spell for real, what happens next makes one of those corny 1980s books warning about the “dangers” of role-playing games seem like a walk in the park.
The story is more cheesy and corny than Frito Pie, all in good fun. Literary standards will be mocked! The Fourth Wall will be broken! They must save the idyllic fantasy world from icky aliens!
“I’m not sure where Marvin was getting all the simoleons to pay the candyman, but he was popping Ecstasy like jelly beans. And when he was a sophomore, his vampire phase began after he did a candy flip and dropped four hits of acid at once. I warned him, but did he listen? No…! Psychedelics should be enjoyed in moderation. You see, these so-called vampires are really just people who seriously need to get a life.”
Their last remaining redshirt urged, “Prithee hearken unto me; ye understand not the danger that lieth hereabouts. They are a deadly danger, drinkers of blood.”
Mongo said, “On second thought, maybe y’all should listen up. Where we’re from, vampires are all just tall tales. But maybe they’re real here.”
“All the more reason why our mighty mercenary needs to take point,” said Ralph, still deeply slurring his words. He shoved the petrified redshirt forward. He gave him a kick in the seat of the britches to propel him ahead of the party.
“I am vexed full sore! I shall have a word with the Union about this ill treatment, anon!”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta take a leak.” The Goblin ducked into a dark alley.
Before long, a black-cloaked figure chased him out. He had pallid, bone-white skin and the obligatory long upper canines. Other than that, he looked much like a middle-aged executive for a credit card company who haunted a corner office in a house of usury somewhere in Delaware.
Fake review: “I’ve been turning over in my grave ever since this horrid thing was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.” – JRR Tolkien
Space Vixen Trek Episode 4.135667: Walking the Planck, sub figura XVI
A dorky genius, struggling financially and under his little wifey’s thumb, goes for a quick trip to space with his best friend the knuckle-headed linebacker. They take a prototype spaceplane out for a spin. Their plans for a three hour tour are interrupted when the navigational computer gets the Blue Tickertape of Death.
They’re hopelessly stranded. Worse, the jock ate too many beans. At least the nerd is nowhere near his greedy creditors and especially his control freak wife. Then he discovers the horrifying reason why he hasn’t made a plug nickel from his super duper invention.
In this thrillingly cheesy tale, they must not fail, they must not falter, and especially they must not be late for supper. Other than that, space pirates – enough said!
Yeah, you could say that. This is the Gaping Void; the Intergalactic Chasm. Great idea, huh?” Albert pointed to the Orion Arm. “If we had a really good telescope, in another hundred thousand years, we might witness a very clever homo erectus banging two rocks together and inventing fire. Imagine that – and it’s all been downhill since then. But, they don’t make telescopes that good, and out here we’re not even gonna last until next semester’s registration deadline.
Fake review: “If I had imagined that science fiction would create an abomination like this, I would’ve become a watchmaker instead.” – Isaac Asimov
Dark Horse Rising: Charles Manson on the Campaign trail
This one, unexpectedly my highest-selling title, is an alternate history. The murders for which Charles Manson is now imprisoned never took place, and instead, this vibrant icon of the late 1960s becomes a rock star. Later, he enters the 1980 Presidential race and Ronald Reagan mysteriously disappears. If you’re a bit fed up with the Presidential king-making process, or partisan politics in general, this might-have-been will give you some food for thought.
The new and unexpected candidate lacks political experience, which Manson’s critics are quick to point out. But some analysts observe that this might work in his favor. His backers contend that he will breathe fresh air into American politics and lift the country out of the Carter administration’s “malaise”. Even after six years, the Watergate scandal still lingers painfully in the public consciousness. Some say that Charles Manson could win the election by earning the trust, faith, and confidence that many voters lack in career politicians.
Fake review: “Man, this makes me wish I hadn’t started a cult. I could’ve run for office instead! That’s a top shelf gig for crooks, dig?” – Charles Manson
Safe and Secure in Atropia
The encroachment on freedom isn’t always as heavy-handed as in totalitarian societies abroad, such as North Korea, or the USSR back in the day. Actually, it might be as nearby as the homeowner’s association running your gated community and charging you a hefty monthly fee for the privilege. This is a fairly off-the-wall satire about money-grubbing bureaucratic control freaks, and one family’s struggle against them.
“Think of all those science fiction stories where the machines rise up and conquer humanity. We can’t stop them because they’re powerful, they have no fear, they feel no pain, and they’re nearly indestructible. This was the nightmare scenario from Rossum’s Universal Robots all the way up to the Terminator movies. But the way the future really turned out is that you bureaucrats let yourselves be controlled by some database application.”
Fake review: “This document demonstrates subject has a manifestly obvious problem with authority. Still, I couldn’t help LOLing over it anyway.” – Rainbow Albrecht’s FBI file
The main character is a slob with no social life who is stuck in a dead-end job. He answers an ad for “Simulacrum Spanish Fly” and ends up getting a hell of a lot more than he was expecting!
The underlying themes are degeneracy and the often futile struggle for upward mobility. You might also get a kick out of it if you’ve ever had a boss who thought he was the Pharaoh of Egypt because he was one rung higher than you on the totem pole. The kernel of the story came to me some time in the late ’80s, after incredulously looking at the ads in the back of Hustler. So let it not be said that this fine periodical has never been a source of inspiration.
“I ordered some Spanish Fly. When it comes in, I’ll sit next to Miss Prim and Proper over there.” He pointed to Julie. “Then when she’s not looking, I’ll spike her coffee. By the end of the day, she’ll be a Wild, Horny Nympho.” He remembered this romantic turn of phrase from the ad copy. “Then Mr. Wonderful’s gonna ask her out on a date.” He smiled wickedly.
Fake review: “After reading about the protagonist, I realized that I have no further complaint about being a loser who chokes the chicken too much.” – Portnoy
Bulletins on upcoming projects will be posted on this blog. Until then, buy my stuff. Hint hint.