It really is fun to stay at the YMCA! This, of course, is the first reason of many that all men should take a walk on the wild side. That would be faaaabulous!
Note well, the following isn’t a serious endorsement of buggery like Men’s Health did. If you like it that way, you’re already doing it. If you don’t, then you ain’t gonna go there. However, since I’m still in a fine mood, this is a good a time as any to explain the benefits of the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Consider all this as tongue in cheek – or yanno, right between both of the lower ones.
The nightgame is much friendlier
As a straight guy, I don’t like nightgame very much. Fortunately, you no longer have to endure clouds of cigarette smoke that give you a past life flashback from when you were killed in the gas attack during the Battle of Ypres. Still, music nearing the audible threshold of pain remains a problem, and obviously precludes any conversation short of screaming. What I find the most aggravating are the bad attitudes. I never really could understand why chicks would go to a social venue and act like it’s not a social venue. They’re out to get picked up, they know it and we know it, so why pretend otherwise? As I put it in Deplorable Diatribes:
The bad attitudes are completely repellent, and they do this to themselves. It’s as absurd as if they took an hour to get their outfits ready, but then rolled around in mud before walking into the place. A little charm and grace would go a very long way, and set themselves apart from the competition too.
With gay guys, it’s completely different. They’re the most libertine people in the world. Saying “Hey, how about it?” to women gets you a bad reaction, but it’s exactly the opposite when men are approached by someone they like.
How does a nightgame pickup usually go? Let’s say there’s a straight singles bar with 50 customers. We’ll assume the sex ratio is exactly half and half, though in real-life cases, there usually are fewer women. So for this example, if a straight guy goes into that club, there are 25 women he can meet. For anything to happen, there must be mutual physical attraction. (He probably won’t like some of them, and some won’t like him.) The personalities also have to click, or at least they have to find each other tolerably agreeable. Meanwhile, there are 25 competitors for his 25 prospects. He might be able to pick up someone, but the result is far from certain.
Actually, this is a great understatement of the difficulties involved. Nightgame has become a pain in the ass, and not in a good way! First of all, if someone is an amateur with game, then he’s at a big disadvantage because he doesn’t know the unwritten rules of modern courtship. Then when you factor in problems like Bitch Shields, cockblocking, and AMOGs, it can be a real drag. Then there’s the hypergamy problem, in which most of the bar flies have unrealistic expectations. They think they deserve a celebrity or something, when it’s actually the men they’re shooting down who deserve better prospects. When sex ratios become unfavorable, then it can get to be a sausage fest. At least these places have overpriced liquor for customers to drown their sorrows!
On the other hand, the 175ers have an obvious mathematical advantage making their social venues a target-rich environment. Let’s say that next door to that singles club, there’s a gay bar that also has 50 customers. When another one walks in, he doesn’t find half prospects and half competitors. Instead, he potentially can pick up anyone there, and anyone else might be interested in him, assuming they turn each other on. If a gay bar is a sausage fest, that’s certainly not a bad thing for them! And did I mention that homosexuals are the most libertine people on the planet? These places sometimes have a room set aside where the customers can have a quickie before returning to buy a couple more beers and finding someone else for the night’s next hookup.
That’s right; they’re getting laid like rock stars. Meanwhile, what’s going on at the singles bar next door? Straight guys all too often get used as free drink dispensers by chicks with a case of Princess Complex. If that fact alone doesn’t make you want to get on your knees and give some dude a BJ, then this means you’re confirmed 100% heterosexual. Sorry bro…
You’ll save lots of money
If that wasn’t enough reason to drop the soap, there are economic factors too. Those fortunate enough to be queer don’t have to spend money on girlfriends, wives, kids, or (if things go badly) alimony and child support. There’s a reason why gay neighborhoods often are in upper middle class parts of town, with lots of nice high-rises. Think about it! With a thriving hookup culture (see above) then there’s not even any reason to spend extra cash on dinner dates, expensive gifts, and anniversaries.
Also, there’s no need for a ring with a glittery rock that’s supposed to cost a quarter of your annual salary. (That’s probably a standard that some marketing executive from the DeBeers diamond cartel made up a century ago.) There’s also no expectation for a bridezilla wedding that costs the same as a new car. Everybody knows that gay marriage was a lot more about political theater than genuine interest. The only rational reasons these days to get married are for religious-inspired morality, or to have children, and gays aren’t big on either.
The reason why marriage doesn’t make sense for anything else is because half the time they end in divorce, which is like a cruise missile hitting your bank account. What happens to the small number of homosexuals who actually do get the holy handcuffs if they later decide to bail? This is still a relatively new phenomenon, mostly uncharted legal territory, but I predict that it will work like this:
- Straight divorce: The ex-wife steals the ex-husband’s property and children in court
- Lesbian divorce: The ex-wives trade property and cats
- Gay divorce: The ex-husbands just break up and keep their own stuff
See how much more sensible that is? The difference between being gay and straight is that the gay guy takes it up the ass in a bathhouse, and the straight guy takes it up the ass in a divorce court. Who is having more fun in that scenario, huh?
You’ll be special
Still not convinced that buggery is faaaabulous? Well, what special recognition in society do “breeders” get? You’ll have either Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, and that’s only if you’ve fulfilled your biological imperative. That’s right – you might get a card and a phone call from each of your children. Wait – that’s it? Once again, the sodomites are having all the fun! Heterosexuals aren’t even remarkable as a class. We’re boringly ordinary!
First of all, as a homosexual, you get to have special parades. Pretty cool, huh? There, you can let it all hang out – literally too, if you know what I mean! Like, who doesn’t want to walk down Main Street dressed in assless chaps, fetish gear, or maybe not much at all? If people ever called you a degenerate, now is your chance to prove them right! Why try to win over their hearts and minds when you can make their eyes bleed instead?
This is only the beginning, though. According to cultural Marxism, because gays used to get a hard time, normal society must compensate for that from now on. Therefore, gays should enjoy elevated status, and everyone else must bend over backwards (or preferably forwards) to accommodate them. You’ll have dozens of political lobbies to champion your cause. There are countless clubs, professional organizations, and so forth just for you. If you come out of the closet, you’ll emerge right into a welcoming hug-box with the rest of the gay community. The media loves you, and corporations will virtue signal obsequiously for you. You have a handy “get out of criticism free” card too. If you disagree with someone else, it’s an opinion; if someone disagrees with you, it’s a phobia.
Still, you’d better act fast. There have been a few rumblings by the cultural Marxists that gay guys are becoming too “privileged” and need to be kicked out of the coalition. Part of it is from having all that extra money, you see. (What can you do? I recommend playing the persecution card more; you’re not getting much of it now, but apparently you can keep the racket going for 75 years or longer.) Anyway, enjoy your elevated status while it lasts, because it will be a rude awakening if the rug gets pulled out from under you.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this April Fools Day edition. Cheers!