A beginner’s question – “How the hell do you ask someone for sex?”

Not long ago, I was reading an article about the Nice Guy debate.  It wasn’t from a Red Pill source, though the writer was heading on the right track.  It’s a bit long-winded, but definitely a good read, and it’s always refreshing to find something about this from an enlightened perspective.

The essence of it is that this young doctor was treating a low-class guy who had just gotten injured in a domestic dispute with his fifth wife.  His other four wives had left him because he beat them.  The fight happened because he had cheated on his current wife with one of his former wives.  That’s right, she came back to this wretch even though he had remarried and she had left him for beating her.

Now the ironic thing – in the “enough to make one question the existence of a merciful God” kind of irony – is that the twenty five year old doctor had never been on a single date!  That’s right; he was a virgin, despite being an eligible bachelor, working in a lucrative and high-status profession, and always acting like a civilized human being.  His patient – likely with little going for him besides Stockholm Syndrome – certainly didn’t have any problem finding women.  Then the author went into considerable discussion about the torrents of hate poured over lonely guys who dared to wonder what the hell went wrong.  Generally they did so because they were passed over for troglodytes or kept getting trapped in the Friend Zone.

In my latest book, I’ve written about Nice Guys quite a bit, as well as the idiots who rub salt into their wounds, the Friend Zone scam, and the Fundamental Paradox of why the types of men women say they want are so often quite different from who they actually choose.  Truth be told, I’m pretty long-winded about all that too.  But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  I read deep into the comments (a bad habit of mine) and found this:

I feel like I know many of the social scripts around friendship, and some of the unspoken rules of being in a relationship, but How the hell do you ask someone for sex? I mean, if you have been in a relationship for a while, I guess the topic comes up eventually, but the concept of not knowing someone and saying things that lead to having sex (aka hookup culture) produces the exact sort of bewildered incomprehension as an AI box experiment win. I can’t think of any combination of words that could possibly do that and it resembles some sort of witchcraft. How is it possible to ask someone for sex and not have it be horribly awkward and get instantaneously shot down in the absence of a multi-month relationship with that person?

I really feel for this guy who was so confused about all this (as well as the doctor who couldn’t get a date to save his life).  I have some answers:  it’s not sorcery, I promise!  Nor should it take months; if nothing is happening by the third date, that’s probably a waste of your time.  At risk of sounding immodest, I’ve taken a decent number of women to bed after less than an hour of conversation.  Finally, you can be successful with women while remaining a civilized human being.

First of all, asking for sex up front is a pretty bad strategy.  That only works is if 1) she’s DTF, 2) she’s highly attracted to you already, and 3) she’s a “free spirit” – shall we say – who doesn’t mind very direct propositions.  What happens if you ask for sex up front but all these conditions aren’t present?  You’ll get laughed at, cursed out, or maybe even slapped.  If you get blown out like that, it’ll make you want to go back home with your tail tucked between your legs, so to speak.  As every guy older than 13 has discovered, there’s a social taboo about asking someone for sex right up front.  (Those who criticize indirect approaches as “dishonest” fail to apprehend this.)  Entire books have been written about game, including my own.  However, I’ll distill all this into the bare-bones facts.

Look your best whenever you’re in public.  You’ll have a lot of competition.  Being average doesn’t cut it these days; women are looking for high-quality guys, so you’ll have to stand out.  Generally speaking, this is more so for those who are younger, prettier, and in notoriously demanding locations:  LA, NYC, Toronto, etc.  This doesn’t mean that you have to be a celebrity to get a date, or that you need to break the bank on designer clothes.  However, you’ll fail from the start if you’re dressed sloppily, you have messy hair, or you’ve got (ahem) hygiene issues.  Also, having a lean, muscular physique gets women’s attention the way a woman with curves in all the right places gets our attention.  If you’re not already there yet, this isn’t always a deal-breaker, since you can stand out in other ways.  Still, do what you can to start working toward that.  The short version is to hit the gym and push the fork out of your face.  The time to begin is now.

There’s a narrow zone between showing too little interest and too much interest.  You’ll have to figure out each situation as it develops; that sounds daunting, but with practice, it gets better.  Missing the sweet spot on the low end means she might not even be aware that you like her, and that’ll be an opportunity lost.  Showing too much interest – this includes overstating your attraction, bringing a dozen roses to a first date, letting your tongue hang out like a Saint Bernard, and so forth – means you’ll get turned down, or even blown out.  (Needy=BAD!  Desperate=BAD!)  The hotter you are compared to her, the more this zone widens; for instance, rock stars really can get away with “Want to have sex?” as an opener; for that matter, “Go away, girl!” works for them too.  The hotter she is compared to you, the more the zone narrows; the “dweeb gets a supermodel” scenario only works in RomComs.

On that note, be aware that many Hollywood tropes don’t work in the real world.  Most traditional dating advice doesn’t work either; that came from before the Sexual Revolution and is mostly obsolete.  Much of the advice you’ll hear from women – including your mother – is pretty spotty.  Pay more attention to what they do than what they say.  Guys get lots of confusing messages.  Being a cuddly teddy bear doesn’t work; going to the opposite extreme and acting like a silverback gorilla misses the mark too.  Be fair but firm.  Also be resolute, brave, and confident:  all that =GOOD!  Despite whatever you’ve heard, women like men who act like men.  They don’t like guys who act wimpy any more than we like women who have crew cuts, dress like lumberjacks, and chew tobacco.  Forget about buying drinks; that stopped working after the ’80s.  Finally, supplication (abasing yourself or “kissing ass”) never works; making that mistake means you’re finished.

Then you need to get out and socialize.  The time to begin is now.  Many guys become afraid to open conversations after they’ve been shot down hard too many times.  Being afraid also means you can blow an approach by freezing up.  With practice, you’ll improve.  Just butch up and grow a pair, okay?  Remember that talking to someone isn’t a crime (yet) and there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that.  Just keep it cool and smooth.  By the way, women get horny and like sex just as we do, and there’s nothing wrong with people liking sex.

Go open some conversations:  at least ten, unless that exceeds 25% of available prospects.  (You don’t want to be “that guy hitting on everyone”.)  If that doesn’t work, find a friendlier venue.  Some guys rely on pickup lines and canned openers, but it’s a lot better to have an interesting, free-form conversation.  If that’s difficult, then remember what I just said about practice!  By the way, bad subjects for a first conversation include politics, religion, money, sex, baseball statistics, serial killers, bodily functions, your World of Warcraft character, and the like.  If you get shot down – this happens to everyone – don’t get upset; try to learn from whatever it was.  (Actually, a lot of the time it’s random circumstance that has nothing to do with you.  This includes having a steady boyfriend already; sometimes it’s a polite lie on their part, but sometimes it’s the truth.)  If it’s not a complete Blowout, sometimes you can recover the situation by laughing it off or mildly teasing back, but all that’s another discussion entirely.

Okay, so finally onto the question about “How the hell do you ask someone for sex?”  Once you’ve opened an interesting conversation, then you’ll have to gauge her reaction.  Much has been written about IOIs and IODs, but here are a couple of big ones.  If she’s looking away from you and responding in monosyllables, that’s a bad sign; if things don’t improve after a couple of minutes, then thank her for her time and eject.  If she’s looking at you intently and enthusiastically participating in the conversation, that’s a good sign.  At that point, you can say something unambiguous and smooth, like “You know, I find you quite charming.”  If you get a positive reaction, then keep turning up the heat a bit at a time.  If all goes well, then you can ask her on a date, whereupon you can take things further.  Better yet, when possible, lean in for a kiss.  If that becomes a good makeout session, then ask her if she wants to go home with you.  She knows exactly what you mean.  Back home, continue the makeout session, and ask her to make sweet love with you.  If she chickens out, then by all means be cool about it, put your clothes back on, and take it back to the interesting conversation.  If she says yes, then show her a great time, and she’ll keep coming back for more.

So, all that’s Seduction 101 – the secrets of those evil pickup artists.  This isn’t easy, but it’s not rocket science either.  Much more has been written about it (including over 200,000 words from Yours Truly) but the above are the basics for the absolute beginner.  Buy my book if you want to know more, or another good book on the subject.

A beginner’s question – “How the hell do you ask someone for sex?”

4 thoughts on “A beginner’s question – “How the hell do you ask someone for sex?”

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