I usually write for a male audience, but now I’m making an exception for benefit of any young ladies out there. The following might seem a bit harsh; that’s because the truth hurts. You might not like some of the things I have to say, so my first tip is to listen to sensible advice instead of resisting it. Think back on all the times that rejecting the voice of experience worked out great and enhanced your life. None? I didn’t think so either. I do care about you – yes, really! – so take all this in the spirit in which it’s meant.
Don’t cut your hair, ever
Long hair looks great. If it’s all the way down your back, that’s quite stunning. If it’s down to your knees, then I’m in awe. Yes, long hair is more effort to maintain, but not really that bad. I let my golden tresses grow out in the style of my Viking ancestors, so I know from experience that managing the mane isn’t really a labor of Hercules. It already takes you an hour to get ready to go anywhere, so a few more minutes applying extra conditioner isn’t much.
Getting married doesn’t mean it’s time to chop it all off (unless hubby’s into the butch lesbian look); this is one of the reasons why guys are afraid of marriage, among several items. If you ask him and he says “do whatever you like”, he’s probably lying about not having an opinion to make you happy. I know that you don’t like what seems to be indecisiveness, but many guys are unaware of that.
Also, don’t dye it unnatural colors. Many of us think that looks weird, or wonder what kind of person dyes her hair green. Still, at least that’s reversible, which brings us to the next matter.
Don’t ruin your body with “modifications”
I can already hear it now – someone out there is furious and yelling, “My body, my rules!” Remember what I just said about listening to sensible advice? Anyway, after the piercing fad took off, many young ladies wanted to be different just like all their friends. The problem is, having holes in your body that Nature didn’t put there doesn’t add anything to beauty; in fact, it detracts. The ears are one location where piercings (one apiece is enough) won’t make you look like a Martian. Even so, I find unpierced ears to be refreshingly unique!
Be judicious about tattoos, if you really must. If you don’t, you’ll probably hate it twenty years later. Don’t put anything on your body unsuitable for a picture on your living room wall. Actually, I like women with lots of tattoos because I know they’re going to be “easy”. Still, consider the implications: that doesn’t exactly make you seem like steady relationship material, now does it?
Keep fit, stay fit
I’ll cut you slack for extra pounds, within reason, but many guys won’t. Perhaps you find it rather shallow to judge a woman on her weight. Actually, I agree. (Likewise, it’s shallow to judge a guy on his weight, height, muscle mass, income, career, confidence level, sense of humor, hobbies, ideology, yada yada yada.) Anyway, the basics to fitness are pushing the fork out of your face and lifting weights. There’s much more to be said, but I don’t have the space to get into all that. Effort and persistence are where it’s at. Cutting out junk food helps. (By the way, milkshakes sold as coffee are junk food.) I know getting in shape is a big hassle – I’ve been there myself – but keep at it.
Avoid unnecessary ultraviolet exposure
See, not everything I say is all judgmental! Wear sunblock when you go out and don’t use tanning booths. UV exposure is what causes wrinkles. Wouldn’t it be cool to turn 45 and still look 35?
Interacting with guys
Don’t cop an attitude
Now I’m going to get judgmental again. If you believe being snarky, nasty, or mean is “empowering”, then I’ve got bad news – that’s not the way into anybody’s heart. If this describes you, then one day there’ll be a guy you very much want to meet, but he won’t want to have anything to do with you after he senses what kind of person you are. Unprovoked verbal aggression is bad, okay? If someone is treating you respectfully, there’s no reason to be unpleasant.
Some women give guys shit to test their reaction; some of us know that we’re supposed to tease back. However, to anyone unaware how the game is played, your personality will seem extremely unattractive, and that means lost opportunities for you. On that note, men don’t like women who act unladylike any more than you like guys who act wimpy.
If you like a guy, it’s okay to say so
Some of you might come close and hope we’ll make the first move. That’s way too subtle; we can’t read your minds. Also, some guys are afraid to approach, after being shot down hard too many times. (It can take years for us to recover from that.) If you like someone, just walk up and introduce yourself. He won’t bite your head off, call you a girl-creep, or whip out the pepper spray. Instead, he’ll be pleasantly surprised.
About young guys
Give guys your age a chance. At least think about it, okay? Those who are shy and awkward simply haven’t yet learned how to be cool and smooth. That takes years too. They’re not at the height of their career yet, but in time that will change. None of that means they lack good characteristics or won’t make a good match.
Have some standards
Let’s get human evolution out of reverse gear. Avoid guys who refuse to work, beat you, act psycho, or are idiots. Stop rewarding their behavior with sex. No, he won’t change; Hollywood lied to you. If this describes most of (or all) your exes, then learn from your mistakes. The first time it was all his fault for acting that way; after that, it’s on you too because you know what you’re getting yourself into. If this is what you saw growing up, this doesn’t mean it’s normal or something you should tolerate. If you have low self-esteem, fix it. Whatever’s your problem, just stop hooking up with losers. This will improve your life immensely.
If you choose to disregard this, then do not ever cry on the shoulder of a guy who likes you and treats you decently. Don’t use him for favors. Especially don’t ask him for advice on how to fix your relationship with the flavor of the month. That’s banned by international law under the UN Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment. If you need an amateur psychiatrist, find a bartender and tip him generously for all the crap you’ll unload on him.
…But don’t have impossible standards
If you’re average, then an average guy who treats you right is perfectly suitable. That’s right, Princess. What makes you think (or act like) you deserve a celebrity? It’s remotely possible you’ll find a rich guy, but the bad news is that most of them are egomaniacs prone to temper tantrums about nothing.
Aiming high is understandable, but after a point it becomes counterproductive. (Hey, I’d love to date billionaire supermodels who like nerdy stuff, but that ain’t happening.) Reasonable standards are “Has his own place, a car, a real job, and a decent personality”. However, if your laundry list of “must haves” is as long as John Dillinger’s – uh – criminal record, then adjust your expectations.
Thou shalt not ditch someone by email or text message
When God finally publishes the Third Testament, this will be the Eleventh Commandment. That’s chickenshit and incredibly immature. It’s the moral equivalent of sending a clown with a kazoo to deliver a death annoucement. If you’re going to dump someone, then do that face-to-face or at least call. You kids text too much anyway.
Plan your life well
Although society – and especially the government – make great efforts to shield people from the consequences of their bad decisions, your love life has direct consequences for your future. One series of mistakes will make you a lonely cat lady eventually. Another will leave you on welfare with illegitimate children by several deadbeat dads. That’s the harsh reality of it. Although feminists told you that marriage is slavery, they lied (as usual); it’s certainly far better than the first two outcomes.
“Having it all” has consequences
Many of you plan to party hard and go through boyfriends like you change your socks during your 20s. Then the corporate world will make you rich in your 30s. Sometime in your 40s, you’ll find Jesus, find a husband, and finally get around to having kids. Well, there are a few problems. First, party animals are well advised that your reputation will follow you; for one thing, what goes on the Internet stays there forever. Second, working in a cube farm sucks, and few strike it rich. Third, if you wait until middle age when “baby rabies” sets in, it becomes difficult to conceive, and eventually impossible. If you disregard all this, we won’t marry you, but we’ll still hook up with you if you’re still cute. You avoided unnecessary ultraviolet exposure, right?
Make love often
Marriage is inherently a sexual relationship; otherwise, you’re basically just roommates. Yes, it’s important to us. I might add that those who use sex as a reward, punishment, or bargaining chip are cheapening things dreadfully. Love should be made – at mutually agreed times, of course – but things are going to hit the skids if this is once in a blue moon. You like it too, and bringing fresh joy and passion into the world is a good thing.
If you’re being mistreated (I told you to stop choosing guys like that) then it’s okay to bail. However, boredom is not a legitimate reason to break an oath. When you get married, it’s either at an altar or at a judge’s bench; either way, it’s a vow before God Almighty, so that’s serious business. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way these days. The following happened in two separate incidents to guys I know. Their wives insisted on changing plans at the last minute, but the husbands opted to continue their shared vacation as planned. When they got back, their wives filed for divorce. That was just plain stupid, and they had young children too – that’s a hell of a reason to wreck a family!
Remember, only you are responsible for your emotional state. Your divorced friends will give you “helpful advice”, because misery loves company. Lots of bottom-feeder lawyers will want to “help”, for a price, of course; marriage is the only area of law that provides legally sanctioned benefits for breach of contract. All relationships have their ups and downs; unless you’re being mistreated, do your best to work things out instead.
If you really must get divorced, you may leave with what you brought into the relationship, but expecting half of his property too is theft. If you were in a traditional homemaker role, this doesn’t mean he owes you any compensation for housework done in the past; if he was buying groceries and keeping a roof over your head, then he was doing his part. Alimony is also theft; if the relationship ends, the benefits should end too. No stealing the kids either, or turning them against him; that’s not right.