Your guide to the dozens of fruity flavors of feminism

Perhaps you’ve heard of the various waves of feminism.  For your convenience, these are:

• First wave:  These ones were pretty moderate, and notable for being the last feminists who were really interested in equality.
• Second wave:  Feminism was coopted by cultural Marxism and became a hate group.
• Third wave:  They saw how nutty second-wave feminism was and tried to be less nutty, with very spotty results.
• Fourth wave:  Feminists glued to their iPhones, barely distinguishable from Social Justice Warriors.

Actually, they might as well have stopped with the second wave, because after that, they all sounded pretty much the same.

Even so, that just scratches the surface of the multiplicity of their various kooky sects.  On the sidebar for the feminism article on Wikipedia – the Source of All Human Knowledge (snicker) – dozens of variants are listed.  Confused yet?  I’m here to help you out.  I read through all those dreary articles so you don’t have to.  First I’ll get the particularist forms out of the way, then all the others.

Racial feminism

• Black:  Feminism with a side of sweet potato pie.
• Chicana:  They love tortillas.
• Indigenous:  The natives are getting restless.
• Native American:  Squaw wantum be chief.
• Womanism:  Like Black feminism, but somehow different.
• Womanism (Africana):  More redundancy.

Religious feminism

• Buddhist:  Does Bella Abzug have Buddha nature?
• Christian:  Jesus loves Andrea Dworkin, because nobody else does.
• Neopagan:  They love to sing the “Isis Astarte” song.
• Neopagan (Dianic Wicca):  Neopagan feminists are orthodox, Dianics are extra-crispy.
• Neopagan (Reclaiming):  Mixing religion and politics is awesome, as long as it’s not the right-wingers doing that.
• Hindu:  Men should be required to wear the dots too!
• Islamic:  They certainly have their work cut out for them.
• Jewish:  (((They))) sure seem to be pretty influential.
• Orthodox Jewish:  Can we finally quit using the hole in the sheet, already?
• Mormon:  We demand magic underwear that’s fashionable!
• Sikh:  If women can’t have turbans too, then nobody can!

All others

• Amazon:  Xena for the win!  Yes, really.
• Analytical:  They have a philosophical focus, therefore can form coherent arguments, unlike almost everyone else.
• Anarchist:  Silliness and more silliness.
• Anti-pornography:  Fighting the 21st Century’s great time-waster.
• Anti-prostitution feminism:  Fifty IQ points higher than “Pro-sex worker” feminism.
• Atheist:  Better not chat one up in an elevator!
• Conservative:  Proof that unicorns do exist.
• Cultural:  They believe in the existence of a feminine nature, making them more sensible than most here.
• Cyber:  Are you ready to be plugged into The Matrix?
• Democratic Confederalism:  Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten…
• Difference:  They’ve concluded that men and women aren’t the same, and the difference is that men suck.
• Eco:  Don’t burn your bras; recycle them!
• Eco (Vegetarian):  They frequently suffer from tofu overdoses.
• Equality:  This is what most people think feminism is.  The reality is they haven’t existed since the 1950s.
• Fat:  This is feminism with lots of pizza and coffee-flavored milkshakes.
• French:  Elles sont folles.
• French post-structuralist:  Intellectuelles à la noix.
• Gender:  These ones are reincarnated harpies, evil on a stick, frequently indoctrinating college students.
• Global:  Same as transnational feminism, but somehow different.
• Hip-hop:  They like rap music.
• Hip hop:  They don’t like rap music or dashes.
• Individualist:  Independent-minded thinkers somehow clinging to feminist ideology which promotes us-versus-them mentality.
• Labor:  For all those ladies in steel mills and coal mines.
• Lesbian:  Good only if they make exceptions, otherwise thanks for nothing.
• Liberal:  Show me a feminist who isn’t.
• Liberal (Equity):  Same as equality feminism, straight from the Department of Redundancy Department.
• Lipstick:  Some feminists are kind of cute.  Who knew?
• Marxist:  Followers of two bankrupt philosophies.
• Material:  These girls are Madonna fans.
• Maternal:  Recognizes the nurturing side of femininity, from the days of yore when feminism wasn’t a hate group.
• Neo:  They fight Agent Smith in the Matrix, and totally kick ass because they’re strong, empowered women.
• New:  A moderate, realistic position which of course hasn’t been seen for eighty years, so not quite new then.
• Post:  Feminists who’ve discovered that feminists are fruitcakes.
• Postcolonial:  Same as global feminism, but somehow different.
• Postmodern:  Gender is only a social construct, yada yada yada.
• Pro-life:  Do they even exist?
• Pro-sex worker:  Exploitation is awesome!
• Post-structural:  Nutty intellectuals.
• Radical:  Q) How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?  A) One, and that’s not funny!!!
• Radical lesbian:  Six inch strapons, twelve inch chips on their shoulders.
• Separatist:  We want to live apart from men, but first we need robots to open jars and parallel park cars.
• Sex-positive:  All aboard the carousel!
• Social:  Moderates who don’t exist any more, like most moderates.
• Socialist:  Ladies, let’s produce more coal to fulfill the Five Year Plan!  Hey, why is everyone leaving?
• Standpoint:  Marxists who have a problem with objective reality.  This is pointless.
• Third world:  Same as postcolonial feminism, but somehow different.
• Trans:  Either crazy or the new normal, depending on whether you’re using the DSM4 or the DSM5.
• Transnational:  Same as global feminism, but somehow different.

But wait!  There’s more!

There are other varieties listed on the main article, and elsewhere:  structuralist feminism, New Age feminism, cyborg feminism (yes, really!), LGBT feminism (where are they getting the “G” from then?), pacifist feminism, intersectional feminism (rolling up all leftist grievances into a big burrito). working class feminism, and Asian American feminism which apparently isn’t important enough to merit its own page.  My only question is, when are we going to get Smurf feminism?  Can you imagine how overworked Smurfette is making sandwiches for 100 other Smurfs?

The movements and ideologies page has a single sentence for the “Criticism” section, stating:

According to Linda Zerilli and Donna Haraway, “‘taxonomies’ of feminism … can create artificial dichotomies between feminist discourses that seriously impede constructive political debates about subjectivity for women.”

Well, who ever said feminism these days has anything to do with being constructive?