The ugly American’s guide to the world

Trigger warning (hee hee):  if you’re offended by national stereotypes – probably including of your own country – then you might not want to read this.

It’s unfortunate that so many Americans are surprisingly ignorant about the world abroad.  To foster international understanding, cultural enrichment, and appreciation for the wonderful diversity surrounding us, I’m presenting a primer to help educate my fellow citizens about all that the world has to offer.  Hopefully this will help to bring about global awareness and enlightenment.

Africa – I’m afraid there’s been an unexpected holdup on your $25 million dollar remittance

North of the Sahara, it’s all Arabs.  Technically they’re not Arabs, but they all look like Arabs, dress like Arabs, speak Arabic, and pray toward Mecca five times a day.  So yeah, Arabs.  Egypt is by far the coolest place in Africa, because of all the things they built before they turned into Arabs.  South of the Sahara is the birthplace of humanity.  Technology has been slow to take hold there, since the natives are too busy with voodoo, picking coconuts, and getting eaten by lions.  The only large demographic owning computers are “419” fraudsters in Nigeria – the folks who email you promising millions of dollars, but first they need a small wire transfer to cover the “modalities”.  Other than that, Robert Mugabe owns a computer too, but all that Zimbabwe’s President-For-Life uses it for is spanking off to midget porn.

Australia – The home of Vegemite, the Food of the Gods

They’re the same as the British, except that they’re not all uptight.  Be careful in the countryside, since all their wildlife is venomous.  Even the kangaroos shoot poison darts.  They don’t let criminals visit the country, so don’t even think about buying that plane ticket if you have a record.  That’s pretty weird, since all their ancestors were pickpockets.  The sole exceptions are the aborigines, who are famous for inventing the boomerang and nothing else.

The People’s Democratic Republic of Canada – It’s aboot time that Calgary won the Stanley Cup, eh?

Most of them are decent folks.  Their austere environment – living in igloos and being hunted by grizzly bears – provides a healthy perspective.  They don’t use cyber-porn, because they have hockey.  They always make love doggie style, so they can both watch the game.  They invented the Sno-Cone, as an effort to deal with the surplus of their country’s most important natural resource.

China – Ni hao, xie xie

They have oodles of history here, going back 5000 years.  The bad news for travelers is that the language barrier is steep.  In fact, it’s pretty much a brick wall.  (The Chinese have lots of experience with walls; they built one to keep out barbarians thousands of years before Donald Trump came up with that idea.)  The good news is that these guys are smart.  They, the Japanese, and the Koreans might one day be the last intelligent people on earth a few centuries from now, the way things are going.

Europe – It’s the final countdown

Their English is usually pretty good, so it’s easy to forgive them for talking funny.  In fact, sometimes it’s kind of cute.  On occasion, they might get a little snippy, but that’s because they’re eager to get back to watching their soccer game, which they call “football” for some odd reason.  If you ever get the chance to visit, don’t drink the beer or you’ll never like American swill again.  The coolest country there is Iceland, the world’s number one exporter of Popsicles.  Also – word to the wise – the Louvre is closed on Tuesdays, and get your Eiffel Tower lift tickets in advance.  Visit soon, because their politicians sold them out, and they’re turning into Arabs just like what happened with North Africa.

India – the international poster child for birth control

This was an awesome place a couple thousand years ago, leaving you to wonder what the hell happened.  They’re one of the most overpopulated places in the world; their national pastime must be sex.  A few do speak English, though most have a very limited vocabulary and talk like they have marbles stuffed in their mouths.  The British ruled them for 150 years and that’s the best they can do?  Many corporations have “offshored” their call centers there, which is a brilliant make-work program for the least competent of India’s society.  They should stick to things they’re good at, like taxis, motels, and gas stations.  They’re also the pushiest culture on earth.  Custer went after the wrong Indians, and talking to one of their call centers will make you hope Pakistan pushes the button soon.

Israel – your tax dollars at work

This country has lots of interesting sightseeing.  Israel isn’t all about spying, Ecstasy labs, and white slavery – who knew?  They’ll have a fairly thick accent, but their English fluency is good.  Unfortunately, they’re remarkably pushy.  Even so, these chutzpahniks are actually pleasant to deal with compared to Indians.

Japan – The birthplace of tentacle porn

The Land of the Rising Sun was once known for fierce warriors, and now it’s known for Pokemon.  Still, do not ever get into a bar fight with these guys; all of them have been studying karate since they were in diapers.  Other than that, this is the one place in East Asia where dog is not on the menu.

Latin America – Una mas cerveza, por favor

They usually don’t speak English very well, but it’s not insurmountable; knowing some Tex-Mex will help.  The weirdest part is their mailing addresses, which are usually something like “go down the main road, turn right at the big rock, and go 25 kilometers”.  This is where the world’s dope comes from, and coffee too, proving that coffee is a narcotic.  They have some awesome beaches and resorts.  If you go elsewhere, though, you’ll probably get kidnapped, shot by gangsters, or have your kidneys stolen in a hotel.

North Korea – Nork, nork, nork, nork…

The place is a starving Communist theme park.  Their Dear Leader eats half their food supply.  This kid’s so porky that Hillary could beat him in a 25 yard dash.  The mass of his ass creates a gravitational disturbance threatening Earth’s orbit.  His side job is starring in midget porn for Robert Mugabe.  The one good thing about North Korea is that we could ship all our Social Justice Warriors there, where they’d fit in.

Russia – Khuyim grushii akalachivayu

The women are breathtakingly beautiful.  The one good thing that Internet porn has done is to dispel the “Olga” stereotype.  As for the men, they’re pretty sour and drink a lot.  It’s hard to blame them; after the promise of freedom in the 1990s, financial whiz kids sold them a disastrous “recovery” scheme which caused massive hyperinflation and allowed wealthy globalists to buy their industry for kopecks on the ruble, leading to rule by oligarchs just as planned.  I’d be pissed off about it too.  Hopefully, one of these days Putin will get around to stringing these oligarchs up under lampposts.  They have the same bear problem as Canada, though the Russians can duke it out with these critters on even terms; vodka helps, and so does not being bitches.

USA – Team America, fuck yeah!

Now I’ll give some helpful notes for tourists abroad coming to the USA.  The economy sucks because our President is only good at reading from a teleprompter.  Our beer’s quality leaves much to be desired; you’ve been warned.  Don’t bother trying to date our women.  Feminism has made them so grouchy that all the men gave them up for cyber-porn.  Don’t visit longer than three months.  Overstaying your visa isn’t a big deal; that’s basically handled like getting a traffic ticket.  The real problem is that you’ll gain a few kilos a month from the junk food, our native cuisine.  We only speak English, but if you know Spanish, all you have to do is press 2 whenever you make a phone call.

The ugly American’s guide to the world

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